Love's Last Goodbye
by wolf's paradise
Summary: “Shizune, I’m losing my mind.”Now it seemed as if the pain was coming back twice as fast and twice as strong.The years and of loneliness were starting to wreak havoc on her mind.“You are my biggest regret you oaf,” she snarled. Sequel to Deathly Beautiful


**A/N:** So, this is by request from almarilyo! I hope you guys like it, cause I had fun with it! Anyway, I hope you like it, too almarilyo, cause I remembered your request, and wha-la! Here you are! Sorry it's short, but I didn't really have much else to say in it… Anyway, enjoy it, all!

**Summary:** "Shizune, I'm losing my mind." Now it seemed as if the pain was coming back twice as fast and twice as strong. Sequel to "Deathly Beautiful"

Love's Last Goodbye

Old age was such a horrible thing to have. Granted, it came with its perks, such as experience and wisdom, and possibly power, but the more she thought about it, the more she realized it had more downs than it did ups. Age made your vision grow foggy. Age slowed your body and its acuteness to impending danger or attacks. Age made you smell. Age made your hair fall out, and it made you think. God, she hated thinking. Because the more she thought, the more she regretted, and age seemed to have a direct link to that hateful occupation of time.

And yet, no matter what Tsunade knew and had (unfortunately) experienced about old age, nothing could get rid of the distinct feeling that she was being watched. It wasn't anything harmful—at least she didn't think so. It was more of a thoughtful watching, or a something that enjoyed to just sit back and stare. Which was something that angered Tsunade way past the point of her already thin patience.

What was even worse was the fact that she couldn't _see_ it. Oh, it was there, all right, and she could feel it, but seeing was another story. Her vision wasn't foggy—not in the least. Tsunade was the Hokage after all, and if word got out that her vision was failing (not that it was), people would begin talking. Although the buxom blonde knew that one clench of her fist was all that was needed to shut things up, it definitely wouldn't be the way to handle it.

If only she didn't have to think. For once, paperwork was done on time. Shizune was taking a break, and Tsunade's secret stash of sake was gone. Not that she wanted any at the moment. No matter how much of a calming effect the sake had on her body, oddly enough, Tsunade wanted to stay sober for a while.

However, just as she pointed out before, age led to thinking which led to regret. And Tsunade hated both things. Age was not a fun adventure, and it had taken a twelve-year-old boy to wake her from the pit of regret. And though she was both immensely thankful and quite peeved, she still loved the blond boy.

Ah, yes… There _was_ paperwork over which she still had to look. It was among the many deeds owed and collected over Naruto's life. It concerned his apartment, his ninja fees as well as his ninja payments, and a few unpaid bills to a few restaurants. Thankfully, though, the bills were small.

Tsunade sighed and placed her head in her hand. She missed him so much. It had only been a week since Naruto's undeniable suicide, which had strangely seemed to lead to the recovery of Sakura's missing body. And that in itself was a massive headache for Tsunade.

Sakura's body hadn't decayed. At all. It hadn't been tampered with. It had no other marks on it other than Naruto, Kakashi, Shizune, Ino, and her own fingerprints on it, all of which were more than two years old. It completely baffled Tsunade, and being the expert medic that she was, it made an impressionable dent on her pride to have it known that she couldn't solve this mystery.

God, she needed sake. She needed it badly. But she was too lazy to get up and head over to Konoha's liquor store so she could buy another stash. But if Shizune didn't come back soon, so help her, she would wring somebody's neck.

"Ah, Tsunade-sama, I…" Shizune's voice petered to a stop when she gazed at Tsunade's infuriated face. The quiet, black-haired nurse paled, and hurriedly unhooked the bags from her arms. Thank Kami she had decided to stop by the liquor store to buy her master some more sake. Lately, things hadn't been good, especially with Naruto's death, so Shizune assumed Tsunade would want more. Good thing she had.

"H-Here, Tsunade-sama," Shizune stammered.

The Hokage grabbed for the sake, quickly pouring it into a shot glance and chucking it down. Her apprentice winced at the aggressive way Tsunade gulped the alcohol, but Shizune sighed and said nothing. Her master let a soft breath out of her mouth, letting the alcohol sink into her bloodstream and calm her nerves. She had drunk about half of the bottle before Shizune shifted nervously.

"Tsunade-sama," Shizune started warily, uncertain of how to proceed. "There is still that one bit of paperwork that needs to be done…"

"Shizune," Tsunade scolded. "I know what paperwork must be done." Truth be told, the little bit of alcohol was needed to help Tsunade gather the courage to face the difficult case surrounding Naruto's death. Her apprentice was dead, as was a boy that she considered her own son, as well as her two teammates and most of those that were alive when she was young. She'd be damned if she couldn't have her alcohol.

"Well, then…"

"Shizune, I'm losing my mind." Well, whoever said alcohol never loosened the tongue?

"Hokage-sama! That would never happen!" Shizune insisted fervently.

The Godaime fixed her assistant with a glare. "I feel like I'm being watched."

"Do you think someone is spying on us, Hokage-sama?" Shizune looked around the office warily. She bent down and picked up Ton Ton; Tsunade quickly glanced over at the pig. She hadn't noticed the little pink porker.

"Not that kind of spying, Shizune," Tsunade growled. No one would understand; she should have never drunk that tongue-loosening liquid. And yet she felt it—whatever _it_ was. It wasn't harmful, it just seemed… observant. Tsunade snorted, knowing where that train of thought would get her.

"Demo… what other kind is there, Hokage-sama?"

Again, the alcohol answered for her. "An observant, watching type. Harmless."

"Oh…" the disappointed tone in Shizune's voice told Tsunade all she needed to hear. She was old, losing her touch, and _definitely_ losing her mind. Maybe she should drop her jutsu and look her age… Tsunade quickly banned that thought. She still had her pride.

The Hokage stood from her desk, taking naruto's file with her. Shizune began to protest, but Tsunade held up her hand for silence. However, that hand seemed to also be holding the sake.

"Shizune, I'm taking a break. Call me if things get too hectic."

"But, Tsunade-sama! There's more paperwork! I—You can't just leave!" Shizune ran after her mentor until the black-haired woman had stopped her.

"Shizune." The look in the fiery hazel eyes said it all. There were days when it was sometimes too much, and Shizune wondered if the years were getting even more difficult for her mentor. Granted, Tsunade had wallowed in misery for all that time until that sweet, energetic boy had changed her mind, but Shizune had known all along just how much pain it had caused Tsunade.

Now it seemed as if the pain was coming back twice as fast and twice as strong. Tsunade seemed to be holding up well, but the years and the loneliness of never being bothered were starting to wreak havoc on the woman's mind. Shizune felt powerless—especially because there was nothing she could do for her mentor.

--

There was nothing to see. Not on her walk home, and certainly not in the small room Tsunade called a house. She really wasn't that depressed; the memory of Naruto kept her strong and resolved, even when she felt like giving in to that side she had nursed and grown so long ago. And while Naruto's memory kept her strong, it still ached.

It still ached because he was gone. It still ached that the one girl who was strong enough to stand up to her was gone, too. It still ached that her brother and lover had died. Orochimaru's betrayal, though she hated her snake-like teammate, still ached. Everything just ached.

It was another reason why sake had become such a precious commodity. It dulled her senses and the ability to feel her sorrow. She was an old woman. She could still fight, and many a shinobi still feared her—_As they should,_ she thought with a smirk—but her old age had left her with many mistakes and many regrets. The clock could not be turned back.

Yet, no matter how much she thought she wished it, Tsunade was never more grateful for the path she had taken. It had been tough, and most of it wasn't any fault of hers, but it had brought her back to her village and the people she loved, even if most of them were gone forever.

She still felt that presence, but her numb senses weren't attempting to cipher the feeling. She felt strangely brave to not care if the presence was good or bad, even though she knew it wasn't true…

Years of chugging down shot after shot of sake had made her almost resilient, yet it still took a while for the effects to wear off. Tsunade turned, eyes resting on a picture, much like many shinobi had nowadays. It was a picture of her, Orochimaru, Jiraiya, and Sarutobi when they all had been first made a team. Next to that picture was one of her and Jiraiya, smiling happily. That one had happened before Orochimaru's betrayal. There weren't any more pictures after that. No one cared to take any.

Her hand shook, but her fingers closed around the picture of her and Jiraiya. They had been in their early twenties, before the mess of life had snatched away their youth. Absentmindedly, a finger traced the outline of Jiraiya's face. She sniffled.

"You…" she growled, hands momentarily clenching around the frame.

She felt the presence more than ever before, and glanced around warily. She still felt as if it were harmless, but the way that she felt, the way it seemed to be staring at her, made her catch her breath. Quietly, she turned back to the picture.

"You are my biggest regret, you oaf," she snarled, clearly glaring at Jiraiya in the picture. She had loved her brother dearly. She had even loved Dan, the first man she had ever loved. Both had died horrible deaths, ones where she wasn't strong enough to save them.

"But you…" she snorted, not bothering to hold back the tears. It had been so long since she had cried… What did it matter if she cried now? Her body ached for the release, for the hormonal balance it needed. "You were always _so_ confident, _so_ annoying, _so_ infuriating, _so_ untouchable!" she yelled.

For a moment, she stared at the picture, urging the smiling face of Jiraiya into a glaring duel, but the picture wasn't getting the hint. Frustrated, she threw the picture across the room. "Damn know-it-all. And now look. For your knowledge, you get death. Yeah, that's right. Death."

Silence. "Are you happy about that?"

No answer. "I regret ever wanting to see you."

The air around her sizzled, urging her on. She should have been afraid, wary. But she wasn't. Not in the slightest.

"You loved me, you idiot. And don't deny it. I saw the way you looked at me." She smirked. "Pervert." But for all of his perverted ways, not once did Tsunade ever see that white-haired annoyance stare at other women the way he stared at her. She was never blind, and she had never admitted that she was actually flattered.

However, her smirk faded. Her lower lip quivered, and her eyes slammed shut as the guilt and pain washed over her in full force. "But I just hit you. I hit you because I was afraid."

She growled. "I was afraid! I'm sorry! Do you know how many people I have loved have died?! Do you know how hard that would have been? To see you dying? To get close to you and have you die on me, too?"

She should stop. This was not how a Hokage was supposed to act, specifically not a Hokage like Tsunade. This wasn't her. But as her tears soaked the carpet, Tsunade realized this _was_ her. It was the torn, broken, and hurt side of herself that had never been let out. No wonder she sounded so childish.

A bitter laugh—a mere scrape of a sound—echoed from her throat. "And look. I was right not to get close to you, huh? You ended up dying on me. You died, just like I was afraid you would." She heaved a sigh and whispered, "I'm just glad I didn't have to see."

Her fist unclenched from her outburst. _Did you ever love me?_ The words seemed to hang in the air, begging to be answered, yet afraid at the same time. Tsunade opened her bleary eyes, glancing around the room.

"Yes," she whispered fervently. "I did." The question had been a ghost of a whisper, but Tsunade knew it was something else. Spirits? But she didn't believe in spirits. Well, discounting the tailed bijuu and a few others… Okay, fine, she believed in spirts.

Tsunade stood and bustled around her home for a little bit, occasionally drinking from the bottle. There wasn't much to be done, but she still did it, and all on her own time as well. She carefully straightened and dusted. She carefully set the picture of her and Jiraiya back on the shelf. She snorted at the ignorant and annoying bastard.

"Yeah. I loved you."

Tsunade whirled around as the whispered sound tickled right near her ear. _That was all I ever wanted to hear._

--

"Tsunade-sama!"

"Shishou!"

"Baa-chan!"

"Tsunade-sama!"

"Tsunade…"

"Hey Tsunade!"

"Tsunade!"

"Yo, Hokage-sama."

They were all here. Well, most of them. She had lived well. She had lived a full, twenty more years.

Sakura rushed forward, as did Naruto, encasing Tsunade in double hugs. The woman berated them for their behavior, but they noted the large smile on her face. Kakashi came and greeted her. He had been killed five years after Naruto's death, and he had died with extreme honor, much to the ninja's pleasure. Or indifference. Tsunade wasn't really sure.

She greeted Minato and Kushina, two people she had loved. She greeted Sasuke and the rest of the Uchiha, made up with both defecting sons as well as had dinner with them later that night. However, when all was said and done, her eyes only searched for one person.

"Tsunade."

"Jiraiya."

"You came."

"Hai." Tsunade walked forward, smiling until she had gripped Jiraiya into a headlock. "You nasty pervert! This'll teach you to spy on me when I can't see you! What were thinking of anyway, you idiot! Like I would ever let you…"

Her voice faded into the background, but Naruto and Sakura still watched Tsunade beat up a blubbering Jiraiya. Sakura blinked. Naruto scratched his head.

"Well," Sakura cleared her throat. "This will be…"

"Interesting."

"For lack of a better word… yes."

Naruto turned to Sakura, eyes shining and lips curled into a smile. "They'll make it, just like we did."

However, his smile didn't last long. He winced when Jiraiya was thrown headlong into a building, and an angry Uchiha stormed out of the house to issue a duel between himself and Tsunade.

This was something nobody wanted to miss. In fact, many had missed the two old people.

--

**A/N:** Okay. So I know it's short, but I kinda liked it! Wrote it in one night! Sorry if it's not my best. I just had the short idea and had to write it! I hope you liked it, almarilyo! Thanks for the challenge to write a Tsunade x Jiraiya story! It was lots of fun!

Oh, and sorry if Tsunade sometimes seems out of character… I tried…

- wolf's paradise


End file.
